The Magnificent Seven
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Daffy Duck and Sylvester were on their way to Tijuana to deliver justice, law and order to the lawless town who ally themselves with Barnyard, the fastest gun in the West, Wile E. Coyote, a rancher, Road Runner, a husband looking to save his wife, Foghorn, a lawyer looking to settle old debts, and Marvin, a bartender. Modified to high T for violence, drug/alcohol/sexual references.
1. The Fastest Gun in the West Part One

The Magnificent Seven

**"The Fastest Gun in the West Part One"**

What told in song today was once legend yesterday. 100 years ago, it was nothing more than a story. Now the story is to be told. It begins in the small town of Del Rio De Santa, Texas with the arrival of two drifters on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer.

Daffy Duck and Sylvester rode in hard and fast as if they were chasing the wind. Behind them was nothing, only the wide prairie and the dust they kicked up as a result of the ride. Daffy was in his traditional Drip Along outfit, Sylvester had on a simple vest, a black cowboy hat and white pants that hiked up just slightly above his waist. His boots were brown, the spurs golden. Both of them were brandishing guns belts.

Back in 1876, the year that this story begins, there was only one street in the entire town on which was seven houses, an inn, a barber shop and a gunsmith. Surrounding the town was a decent bit of farmland, big enough to feed the town as long as it remained the size that it was. Daffy looked around in disdain as he rolled a cigarette, "Why'd we stop here?" Daffy asked turning to Sylvester, "Ain't we going to Tijuana?" Sylvester nodded in agreement, "Yes Daffy we're going to Tijuana. But first I have to see an old friend." Daffy and Sylvester found hitching posts outside the inn, which also served as a saloon and dismounted their horses. "Well whoever this friend of yours is he better be damned good" Daffy exclaimed as he held the door open, "I don't want to be lugging around a half pint loser around the whole time we're in Tijuana living it up." Sylvester rolled his eyes, "We're not going to live it up in Tijuana Daffy" he replied sternly, "We're going to bring law and order. That's our job remember?" Sylvester flashed his deputy badge towards Daffy, who looked down at his shirt and saw his own, "So just because we're deputies means we can't have fun?" Sylvester shook his head hopelessly and walked inside with Daffy following right behind him.

The inn was standard. Wooden floors, wooden tables and wooden chairs. In the corner of the room was the bar counter; next to the bar was the grand piano. On the left side of the inn were several tables made for cards, behind these tables was a series of windows. At the end of this side of the inn was a staircase leading to the second floor, which was a balcony that wrapped all the way around the inn, it was on the second floor that the rooms were located. The bar was a full house, 25 people.

Smoke from cigars and cigarettes filled the air, Sylvester waved it away to find his friend sitting at the center table.

Sylvester's friend was a dog. Quick to anger, he was the kind of person that you wouldn't want at the wrong end of a barrel, which is exactly why Sylvester was there to begin with. This person was none other than Barnyard Dawg. Barnyard was wearing a white bandanna around his neck, on his right eye was a patch that he wore to hide a bad scar he had received from an unruly bull. Barnyard wore a belt buckle that had the words, "Fuck You" in big bold gold letters. At his hip was a Bowie knife and a Colt .45, Barnyard was right handed, or rather, right pawed.

Sitting across from Barnyard was one of the bar whores, whom Barnyard was attempting to seduce and was actually succeeding. "Fastest gun north of the Grande" Barnyard boasted, "And that ain't no boast either. I shot the whole Dalton gang, sent two of em to the grave and the rest scattering like a bunch of Negroes from the whip." Daffy upon hearing the phrase, for the room was silent when this occurred, pulled out his gun and fired towards Barnyard, who without so much as breaking gaze, fired towards Daffy, Barnyard's bullet barely missing Daffy's head as the duck ducked to the ground in panic. "Sorry about that" Barnyard continued as he rolled his eyes in annoyance at Daffy, despite not seeing him, "People are always after my head." Barnyard slyly rested his left arm on the table and leaned over, letting the whore caress his fur and gently kiss his head.

Sylvester made his way over to the table, pulled out his gun and aimed it at Barnyard. "Put your hands up you dirty, cow licking backwards carpetbagger before I scatter your brains all across the room!" Barnyard, once again without as much as breaking gaze, responded. "I certainly would" Barnyard said sarcastically, "But I'm not particularly fond of licking cows, I prefer women." Barnyard raised his eyebrows suggestively at the whore, who complied and began unbuttoning her blouse. Barnyard then turned towards Sylvester, his face stricken with surprise and a smile. "Well I'll be damned" Barnyard said as he began feeling the whore, "never thought I'd see you again." Sylvester shrugged and moved closer,Barnyard shooed the whore away who went to serve other customers.

Daffy brushed himself off and made his way over to the table. Barnyard turned towards Sylvester, "What brings you out to my neck of the woods?" he asked as the waiter brought them rounds, "We need safe passage to Tijuana" Sylvester answered, "We're applying for the sheriff-" Barnyard tensed at the word sheriff and stopped Sylvester before he could continue, "No" Barnyard replied sternly, "I respect you Sylvester, you're my best friend, you know that there isn't in this whole world that I wouldn't do for you." Barnyard pointed down at the table, "But that is where I draw the line. No exceptions." Daffy rolled his eyes annoyingly, "I told you it wasn't goanna work" he said to Sylvester, "This guy's too loose cannon. Let's just get the horses and go." Sylvester wasn't having it. "Come on Barnyard" he pleaded, "It'll be fun! The adventure of a lifetime with me and Daffy. Besides you're getting paid." Barnyard shook his head and lifted up his patch, "No" Barnyard exclaimed sternly, "Last time was enough. I'm done with adventure. The only things I need are my drinks and my women. That and I don't particularly like your friend." Daffy nodded, the feeling was mutual. Sylvester sighed, stood up and headed towards the door.

Daffy looked at Sylvester and then at Barnyard, "We'll pay you" Daffy said reluctantly and kicking himself in the teeth in the process. Barnyard, at the prospect of getting paid just for coming along and then paid for whatever it was he was to do in Tijuana, sighed deeply and turned towards Sylvester. "Hey feline" he called causing Sylvester to turn around and stare at the dog hopefully, "Throw in some scotch and you've got yourself the fastest gun alive!" Sylvester motioned at the bartender to get all the scotch he had, the bartender pulled out an entire case and handed it to Sylvester, who paid him the appropriate sum. Barnyard, at seeing the transaction, stood from the table and walked over to the entrance, "Thanks Barnyard" Sylvester said, "Don't thank me" Barnyard replied, "I'm not doing this for you, you know." Daffy walked over and smiled in victory. Sylvester turned towards Daffy as they walked back out to the horses, "You realize that we don't have any money right?" Sylvester asked guessing that Daffy offered payment for Barnyard's services, "What he doesn't know, won't kill him" Daffy answered as he mounted his horse. Sylvester nodded in agreement and tied the crate to the back of his horse before he mounted it, "Yeah but what about us?" Sylvester stated as they rode away, Barnyard already mounted his horse and was a few feet ahead of them and out of earshot. "Can't answer that" Daffy answered as he kicked the spurs, causing Sylvester to do the same.

They reached the outskirts of town. Daffy looked around and saw the farmlands and thought about one day having his own land. "Someday Daffy" the duck said to himself, "Someday." Daffy looked around and noticed a lone tumbleweed go lazily across the dirt road, as soon as it passed, Daffy took this as a sign to ride as fast as his horse would allow, Sylvester followed his lead and sped on with Barnyard keeping pace as they left the small town behind leaving only dust trails and horse tracks behind.

Meanwhile in a lowly field not to far away from Del Rio De Santa, Wile E. Coyote, a simple rancher, was tending to his cattle. He was on his horse counting heads when Road Runner came running up to him, faster than he had ever seen the roadrunner run in all his life. Road Runner was wearing a gun belt, he carried with him a Navy Colt revolver. "They took her!" he yelled, "They took her!" Wile E. stared confusingly at Road Runner, having no idea who or what he was talking about, "What's gotten into you?" he asked, "Did you finally get shot?" Road Runner laughed at the suggestion, "Are you serious?" he asked, for a moment forgetting why he was there and then instantly remembering, "The only reason they got away was because they snuck up from behind while I was busy romancing my wife. Dirty bastards kidnapped her they did." Wile E.'s eyes grew wide at this, terrified of what might happen to Maggie, Road Runner's wife, the coyote would never be able to forgive himself if he allowed something to happen. Wile E. stopped for a moment and counted the heads again, 15 of his cattle were missing, Wile E. deduced that this was the result of rustlers.

"Damn it" Wile E. exclaimed, "Some snakes stole my cattle. Looks like Jorge is gone, he was my prized mating bull too. Got him set up with Louise, Annabelle and Margret...they need to have calves otherwise they'll be the only heifers who haven't had kids, I'll be forced to sell em and right now I need all the heads I can get." Road Runner looked around, Wile E. moved his horse next to Louise, who gently rubbed up against Wile E.'s leg, "Don't worry girl" Wile E. reassuringly, "I'll get him back. Or die trying!" At that moment a loud gunshot went off in the distance, causing Wile E. and Road Runner to turn around.

Behind them was a large group of bandits, easily twenty men in all. All of them were wearing red bandannas over their faces, black leather vest with white undershirts and black pants to match. The spurs on their boots were all sliver. Road Runner recognized them as the same men who took his wife and immediately pulled his gun, causing the bandits to do the same. The leader of the bandits, a man named Maxwell Torche, lowered his bandanna and turned to Wile E. who remained poised on his horse. "Best tell your friend to drop his gun before he gets hurt" he threatened. Wile E. looked down and saw his shotgun that he kept with the saddle and slowly lifted the leather strap holding it in place. "Road Runner" Wile E. said calmly, "Put it down." Road Runner turned towards Wile E. and shook his head, "These are the guys who took my wife Wile E., I ain't taking that sitting down! I'll die before I do that!" Wile E. nodded in understanding and put his hands back on the reins of his horse.

Sylvester, Daffy and Barnyard sped down the dirt road, they almost would've missed the encounter of Wile E. and the bandits had it not been for Daffy lazily looking over in that direction. "Whoa" he said stopping the others, "look at that."Barnyard looked on and nodded, "Yup. That'd be the Dalton Gang." Sylvester straightened his hat and pulled his gun, causing Daffy and Barnyard to do the same, "Friends of yours?" the cat asked. Barnyard shook his head, "They ain't friends of mine. Especially since I killed the brothers, Dinky and Dirty. Good riddance to bad rubbish." Daffy, who was done talking, spurred his horse and rode towards the scene, the others following close behind.

Torche, who was off of his horse, had Road Runner by the neck and a gun to his neck, "See what you got me into!" Road Runner screamed as he desperately tried to reach for his gun with his talon and failed. Wile E. looked in the distance and saw Sylvester, Daffy and Barnyard approaching from behind and once again reached for the shotgun. "Just take it easy Road Runner" Wile E. said, still maintaining his calm composure, "We'll be out of this soon enough." Road Runner laughed, but he was cut off by a gunshot from Daffy who the first to reach the scene. This gave Wile E. just enough time to pull his shotgun and fire counterclockwise around the circle that the bandits had formed, reloading every five seconds.

All would've been lost had it not been for Barnyard and his quick gun, for they were outnumbered four to one. Barnyard circled around the group and fired six rapid succession shots, all of them hitting their marks while at the same time dodging return fire from the bullets. Daffy began firing shots into the air, causing some of the bandits with weaker spines to flee, evening out the playing field. Sylvester pulled out a lasso and roped one of the bandits who was stupid enough to run away on foot and tied him up, while this was going on Road Runner gave a strong kick to Torche, causing him to release the bird. Before Torche could so much as blink, Road Runner had reached his gun, pulled back on the hammer and fired into his leg.

Torche was now on the ground lying in pain, he looked around and saw that most of his men were gone, having fled for the hills. Sylvester returned with his captive, who was hogtied and threw him to the ground next to Torche. Road Runner leaned down to Torche and spoke, "The only reason I'm letting you live" Road Runner exclaimed, "Is so you can send this message back to your boys Max: I will find you, I will hunt you down and I will kill you. Don't you even think about running, cause I'm the fastest there is in these parts, there ain't nowhere you can hide that I haven't already been to. So you better think of going to Hell as your next hiding place and even then you better pray to whatever sick God you worship, cause I'll be coming there too." Daffy turned to Sylvester and motioned for him to cut the captive lose, he did so and the captive immediately ran off, following the others who fled towards the hills.

Wile E. reloaded his shotgun and aimed it at Torche's head, "You have five seconds to stand" he declared. Torche quickly scrambled to his feet, his face was not one of fear, but one of hate, having put all five of them on his list of people to kill. "Good" Wile E. continued, "Now do us a favor and get out here, before we forget to be nice." Torche growled and pointed an accusing finger at each them, laughing as he limped his way to the hills.

When Torche disappeared, Wile E. and Road Runner turned to Daffy, Sylvester and Barnyard. "Good thing you showed up when you did" he said, "Don't know if we would've made it out otherwise." Daffy and Sylvester each titled their hats in response, Barnyard put his gun back in his holster and casually leaned on Daffy's horse. Barnyard turned to Road Runner as he rolled a cigarette, "So you're the fastest eh?" he asked in a challenging tone, "Me?" Road Runner began, "No. I'm not a gunslinger, I'm a courier, I have to be fast to get the mail routes done. Besides I'm more of a knife kind of guy." Road Runner picked up his gun and holstered it, "But I can hold my own in a fight if that's what you're concerned about." Barnyard relaxed and sighed a sigh of relief.

Daffy turned towards Wile E., "What were you doing out here?" Wile E. gestured towards his cattle as his answer, "I'm a rancher" he replied, "Wile E. Coyote's the name" Wile E. pointed towards Road Runner, "That's Road Runner" he continued, "His wife was kidnapped by those rapscallions we had the pleasure of being acquainted with. I also think they stole my cattle, including a prized bull of mine." Daffy made a mental note and turned towards Sylvester, "What do you think Deputy?" he asked, "Tijuana is our primary concern Daffy. Leave these people to their problems." At hearing they were lawmen, Road Runner stopped them in their tracks, "Please!" he begged, "You have to help us. This is our lives we're talking about here! Would you call yourselves lawmen if you let us go through this alone?" Sylvester sighed deeply and turned towards Daffy, "We can't" Daffy shook his head disappointed in Sylvester's resolve, "When we wear this badge we represent the people Sylvester. It's our civic duty to help them." Sylvester nodded in agreement, "I agree" he said, "But it's also our civic duty to help the greater good and right now Tijuana is the greater good Daffy."

Barnyard rolled his good eye and looked at both of them, "Will you guys knock it off?" he cried annoyingly, "You're lawmen for Christ's sake. Do your jobs and help these guys before I put in a bullet in your heads!" Sylvester and Daffy each stared at Barnyard fearfully, the dog's eye was cold and unforgiving. "If we're going to go after them" Sylvester said finally, "We're going to need more men." Daffy laughed to himself and looked at Barnyard, Wile E. and Road Runner, "How about them?" he asked. Sylvester only had to think about it for a moment when he pulled out three United States Marshall badges and handed one to each of them, "I now name you United States Marshals. With all the authority and honor that the title entails." Barnyard, Wile E. and Road Runner smiled and nodded in unison.

The two deputies and the three newly minted US Marshals then headed for the hills in pursuit of the bandits, right in the direction of Tijuana, Mexico.


	2. Leghorns Pay Their Debts Part One

"**Leghorns Pay Their Debts Part One**"

Just across the Rio Grande, about ten miles from Tijuana, Mexico is the small town of Hodgenville. It is home to one of the richest families of the Old West, the Leghorns.

The Leghorn family originally came from New Orleans, the patriarch of the family, Abraham Johnson, was a slave owner until just before the Civil War, when he had a change of heart in 1858. His son, Obadiah, moved out to California to start a new life and escape the infighting. He succeeded, married below his station and had three sons- Jed, Foghorn and Ezekiel, and one daughter-Meredith.

Obadiah Leghorn died ten years before this story takes place in 1866, he was killed trying to stop the people from attacking the mayor of Hodgenville, who had gotten reckless for having to pay scurrilous taxes and having to live with the recently freed slave population who had also escaped to California to try and better their lives after hundreds of years of living under white control and slavery. Obadiah's wife, Victoria Leghorn, remained optimistic and headstrong despite Obadiah's death. For the sake of her children, Victoria decided to stay in Hodgenville to run the ranch and estate that Obadiah had left the family.

The estate house of the Leghorn family was a large Victorian style mansion, a good three miles outside of Hodgenville. It had two stories- seven bedrooms, a large foyer, a smoking room, a decent sized kitchen, a parlor, a dining room and a drawing room. In the front of the house was a large garden; to the right were the stables, in which five horses were kept, one for each of the surviving members of the family. At the back of the mansion were several acres of grazing pastures for their cows, a horse breaking pen and a peach orchard. All of these represented the various pieces of business that the Leghorns were involved with, in addition to their lofty occupations.

Foghorn Leghorn, the middle child, was one of the best lawyers in the county. He dealt with everything from property disputes to criminal defense cases. He always wore a Colonel Sanders white suit; in his jacket he always kept a loaded revolver. Jed and Ezekiel, the oldest and youngest respectively, ran the business operations of the family, this including overseeing the ranch. Meredith was the town doctor, an expert of both traditional techniques and quick home remedy cures in case of emergencies. Victoria, the matriarch, kept the family together in times of strife, she was too old to work in any official setting but she was extremely respected both in and outside of Hodgenville.

Foghorn was sitting at the kitchen table in front of a decent sized bay window reading a newspaper, when Jed and Ezekiel came in, both of them wearing ranchers' outfits and covered in dirt. "Shake yourselves off before you come in" Foghorn pleaded, "Don't want Mamma getting on us." Jed and Ezekiel took Foghorn's advice, walked back outside and shook themselves off before coming inside, they were still covered in dirt but they were significantly cleaner.

The kitchen table was a long traditional 1870's wooden table with an elegant, embroidered table cloth. On the table were various pieces of silverware, including plates, bowls, cups, a pitcher and then the normal utensils of knives, forks and spoons. All of these were laid out in a specific order in front of each chair; there were six of them in case of company. The order was as follows- plate directly in the center, in the upper right corner was the bowl. The cup was in the upper left. The salad fork, soup spoon and butter knife were on the left hand side of the plate, while the eating fork, spoon and steak knife were on the right. This order was carefully arranged by Victoria and Ulysses, the manservant.

Jed and Ezekiel sat on the end of the table and across from Foghorn respectively and patiently waited for breakfast to be served. Foghorn sighed, folded up his paper and slid it under his arm before standing up. "Well best be off" he said to no one in particular, "What is it this time?" Jed asked both curious and being a little standoffish, wishing that Foghorn would lend a hand at the ranch once in a blue moon. "Yosemite Sam" Foghorn answered, "He claims that Bill Ferguson is trying to take his land." Ezekiel leaned over curiously, "Bill, that homely, innocent miner? Why he wouldn't hurt a fly! I bet you Sam doesn't have a claim to stake to!" Foghorn nodded in full agreement, "My thoughts exactly" he continued, "But that doesn't change the fact that Sam's asked for me. And it is my duty as a lawyer to defend him, no matter what. However, I also recognize that Bill is completely harmless, so being a good Christian, I shall attempt to appeal his case before the courts come Thursday evening." Ezekiel nodded in partial understanding for Foghorn had told him enough about law codes to understand what it was he was talking about, Jed however, didn't understand a word that Foghorn said and simply ignored it as a result.

Foghorn walked into the parlor. Its ceilings were high and mighty, directly in front of Foghorn was the staircase, which wound its way up to the second floor where the bedrooms, save for Ulysses', were located. The foyer floor was made of tile; in the center was a small table with a flower in a pristine ceramic pot. There were absolutely no doors connecting the kitchen, dining room or smoking room to the foyer, the entire first floor save for the drawing room, was entirely open concept, giving the house a certain flow of air, sunlight and movement all its own.

Meredith and Victoria were waiting by the door to say their goodbyes to Foghorn. Meredith was dressed in a flowing yellow dress that reminded Foghorn of the sun, Victoria had on a peach colored dress and a bonnet to match. Her grey feathers were showing but she didn't mind, for despite her age, Victoria had the youthfulness of her children. Foghorn smiled warmly as he walked up to them, Meredith embraced him, "Now, you be careful Foggy" Meredith exclaimed as she broke away, "Don't worry none" Foghorn answered, "I'll be back in three days time. Then we can all go on that picnic we talked about, okay?" Meredith returned Foghorn's smile. Foghorn turned to Victoria, in her hands was a basket full of various provisions. "Remember Foghorn" Victoria said as she handed him the basket, "The strong give to the weak so that they too may become strong." Foghorn nodded and gently kissed her cheek, "Be safe" Foghorn said, "Save a place for me at the table." Victoria smiled and hugged her son; her hands barely touching each other, Foghorn returned the gesture and walked out the door.

Foghorn sat in the back of the stagecoach with Ulysses driving up front. In the distance, Foghorn could hear the sound of gunshots, he turned to Ulysses, who was also a rooster just much skinner and told him to stop the coach. Ulysses did as he was told and also heard the gunshots. Instinctively, Ulysses grabbed the shotgun from underneath the seat and loaded it. Foghorn looked out from the coach and saw that the shots were coming from a large force of bandits. "The reins Ulysses!" Foghorn screamed as he pulled his revolver, "Right sir" Ulysses said after he fired off a shot in an attempt to deter them, it didn't work.

Ulysses drew hard on the reins as wild bullets whizzed by his head, Foghorn leaned out the window and returned fire, "You so much as hit a single feather on his head and I'm killing every last one of you!" Foghorn declared as he aimed for the horses' legs. He missed the first three shots but hit his fourth and fifth, he had no intention of killing anyone that morning, otherwise he would've made good on all five. The bandits veered left, going off road and eventually headed out of sight, "Where do you think they're going Mister Leghorn?" Ulysses asked as he rode on, gradually slowing down now that they were out of danger for the time being, "Looks like they're making for the river" Foghorn replied, "Those poor souls. We best inform the authorities." Ulysses shook his head in confusion, "But aren't you the authority?" Foghorn laughed heartedly in response, "I'm just a lawyer Ulysses. I suppose I'm just like the next lawman in the county, for I do have an understanding in it, but I'll leave the deputing to the deputies and stick to what I know on the court side."

Almost as soon as Foghorn said this, Road Runner came running up as fast as he could, directly behind him was Sylvester and the others. "Which why did they go?" Road Runner asked hurriedly not bothering to slow down, Foghorn pointed in the direction, Road Runner smiled, "Thanks friend" he exclaimed as he continued on, waiting for the others to catch before taking pursuit of the men. "Don't mention it Marshall" Foghorn replied, "I best warn you though. They're tough sons of bitches. Best be careful." Road Runner nodded in understanding, "We could always use the extra guns if you gentlemen are willing." Foghorn shook his head, "No sir" he answered quickly, "I'll leave that to you and get to my own business" Sylvester, Daffy and Barnyard caught up to them, "What business is that?" Road Runner asked seeing Foghorn's dress and assuming him to be nothing more than an aristocratic elite, "I'm a lawman of sorts you might say" Foghorn explained, "On the court side of things that is." Road Runner extended his wing in gratitude and went on his way. Daffy and Sylvester tipped their hats in parting, while Barnyard lifted his patch in parting before they too veered to the left in pursuit of the bandits.

Ulysses continued on towards Hodgenville, stopping in front of the courthouse. Foghorn jumped out and dusted himself off before walking inside.


End file.
